Let’s face it folks, it’s 2006 and it’s time to update your bathroom hygiene habits. For centuries, people had been wiping ass with pine cones, seashells, wood chips and live geese until Joseph Gayetty invented toilet paper in 1857. Gayetty was a great man, but his vision was tragically limited by the available technology of the time.

Since then there have been few advances in the field of ass wiping until the good people at Proctor & Gamble developed a convenient, soft, durable and biodegradable companion to the traditional 80 grit dry toilet paper you all know and despise. In 2001 Charmin® Fresh Mates™ arrived on the innovation-devoid bathroom hygiene market with one clear mission, to make all of our asses cleaner and better smelling. Simply keep a discreet box of wipes in your bathroom or carry the convenient travel pack and apply one or two sheets to your nether region after you’ve thoroughly scouted the area with conventional paper. Trust me, your newly rugburn-free ass will thank you.

Finally, to those still convinced that old-fashioned TP alone is good enough for you, I pose one simple question: If you had shit on your hands, would you be content only to wipe them off with a dry paper towel? Of course not, so why not do your ass a favor and upgrade your washroom arsenal for the new millenium.