I have just been exposed to the most revolting, mindblowingly awful event of my life. I’ll try to put it gently, a huge and intoxicated guest of my roomate had some issues tonight with her… Well, basically she shit all over the place.

Now, I’m no detective, but I will offer my theories of what exactly transpired tonight, as there were no witnesses.

It all started in the same place that it should have ended, the bathroom. Obviously, in her haste to expel her foul waste, she snapped the toilet seat like a saltine.

Why she then decided to leave the bathroom and begin her wayward exodus, no one may ever know. What we do know, is that she left a slime trail through the hallway. I call this one the “squirt and dribble.”

Follow the thin brown line, and you’ll come to our final depressing destination, the master bedroom. It is here where there are conflicting theories as to just what transpired. Theory 1 is that she squatted over the laundry basket and let loose a torrent of putrid stench, obliterating my poor roomates pajamas and a good portion of the carpet. Theory 2 is that she simply left a neat puddle of shit on the carpet, wiped her ass with the pajamas and tossed them in the basket. Two theories, one devastating result.

But what shitstorm would be complete without urine? No shitstorm at all, that’s what. It also appears that while she was unleashing brown destruction on the room she also managed to spray piss in an impressive arc.

As I sit here typing, ready to pass out from the bleach fumes, I can hardly believe what happened here tonight. Just unbelievable, what this animal did. Un-fucking-beleivable.

Update #1
This is what the carpet looked like the next day:

Update #2

Our anonymous shitter came back to the house tonight, and Brian had a little gift waiting for her…

Update #3

Here’s an entertaining video of the shitter and the homeowner wrestling in the kitchen, just to give you an idea what we’re dealing with here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08ahb0-fS0c
Update #4 The most amazing thing to come out of this saga is that the perpetrator does not have any shame about what happened and still frequents the scene of the crime. Thankfully, I moved out of this house about in april, but the events of this night will forever haunt my nightmares.